As I was driving with my youngest son
yesterday, he started asking me about our family history and the stories of his
grandparents, great-grandparents and even great-great grandparents.
In my last post, I talked about a story
that my wife forwarded to me about some research out of Emory University, which
concluded that the best thing that parents can do for their children is have
them be aware of their family story. The psychologists found that resilience in
children correlates most strongly to awareness of family history, their
ancestors and relatives. Moreover, narratives that painted an oscillating
tradition – marked by examples of achievement and happiness as well as times of
challenge and tragedy – were far more helpful than those histories that
captured only one or the other.
When you think about it, it makes perfect
sense. It is good for young people to feel that they belong to something much
larger than themselves, and to understand that there will certainly be times of
success and, just as surely, there will be those of failure. But that
collective familial being of which they are a part will survive and flourish in
its own way.
One can easily imagine that a narrative of
sustaining losses could easily create in a young person a dour outlook, which
could morph into hopelessness. However, the case that is far more
prevalent in independent school families is the narrative: “Our family has
always been one of high achievement and we win.” Even if this is not explicitly
articulated, many children interpret this as their families’ tradition. It is a
razor-sharp, double edged broadsword. In these cases, one often sees the
dynamic where children are highly motivated to succeed (the good blade.) Some
of these motivated offspring, as well as many of those who are not, also end up
in zones marked by deep anxiety and depressions because they feel that they can
never fulfill the legacy of their parents and this larger family being – the
tragic blade.
I remember talking to a friend of mine a
couple of years ago. We were discussing the dynamics between fathers and sons,
and how many sons don’t ever hear their fathers reflect on their failures in
life – in careers, relationships, and personally. So their sons are sometimes
left with (I am happy to volunteer on behalf of my entire gender) what most
certainly is the mistaken impression that their fathers do not fail … and
neither should their sons. This is far more common than we might want to think.
This dynamic most assuredly crosses gender
lines, as it relates to the relationships that children have to the parent(s)
– as well as other relatives and role models – to whom they look up. It can
relate as easily for mother to son, or step-father to daughter, or grandmother
to daughter. It is remarkable how many times one hears parents, very much in a
spirit of caring for their children, exhorting them to heights well-beyond
anything the parents ever achieved – once again, this can both help and harm,
depending on the child and how it is done.
So, what does this all mean? There are two
actions I took away from the story.
The first is to find a way, as a parent ,
to talk about our own family’s ups and downs … as well as my own. While the
messaging is nuanced, I know that these stories can create an important blend
of heightened motivation, the comfort and stability of belonging to something
that will always be with them, and an intriguing deeper sense of who they
are.
And just as this sense of narrative is
important in families, it is also beneficial for schools. Today’s Appleby
students share “community DNA” with those who were here one generation ago, as
well as those who were here 50 years ago, and even a century ago. While there
are many differences in the circumstances and experiences, there are also many
parallels. It helps the community overall, as well as Appleby students
individually, to hear and understand the experiences of their ancestors. To
understand that they face many similar challenges and, like those who have gone
before, there will be wins and losses. Most importantly, they will make it
through.
I appreciate the dozens of stories that
alumni have shared with me about their recollections and the impacts. As we
draft our new Advancement plan for Appleby, we have identified the importance
of students understanding and feeling that they are part of a continuum. So, I
am looking for the right forums to bring this alumni narrative to life for our
students of today.
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