The Most Important Family Question ... and Answer

A couple of my children have recently developed a deep interest in our family history, which of course makes me proud. But I recently read a piece that has morphed that pride into sheer delight.

My wife is the source of a great deal of wisdom (and sometimes “guidance.”) I have come to recognize that she is much smarter than me in many or most (her father’s emphasis) areas. Last week, Alison sent me the link to an article that purports to answer the question: “What makes for the best family?” This almost ranks up there with “What is the meaning of life?” … it promises the holy grail of parenting.

As I have suggested in previous posts (see December’s The Turbo Season,) many of us have an over-developed expectation to see ourselves and our families as more perfect than can ever be the case. If we became more comfortable with our own quirky peccadillos and strange familial intra-dynamics, we would likely be much healthier and happier.

Notwithstanding that sentiment, the New York Times Op-Ed piece The Stories That Bind Us provides a compelling yet surprising answer to the central question that most parents ask themselves, and sometimes live in fear of the answer.  Well-known psychologist Adam Cox undertook a study of boys around the world who concluded that young men across all cultures deep down long to two things: to be a good son; and to find meaningful work in their lives. I would be fascinated to know how this differs, if at all, for young women. But what about parents? I suspect that the vast majority of mothers and fathers, on their deathbeds, would want to know more than anything else, “Was I a good parent?” and “Did I create/foster a good family?” When the final tally is being made for each of us, these must rank up in the very top echelon of what are the most important achievements or failures.

So, what does make for the strongest families? The author of the Op-Ed piece, Bruce Feiler, has written a book on the subject (The Secrets of Happy Families: How to Improve Your Morning, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smart, Go Out and Play, and Much More) and draws his conclusions from fascinating research by Emory University psychologists Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush. Their work was stimulated by an observation made by Duke’s wife Sara as she worked with children with learning disabilities: “The ones who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face challenges.”

To quote Feiler directly:

“Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush asked those questions of four dozen families in the summer of 2001, and taped several of their dinner table conversations. They then compared the children’s results to a battery of psychological tests the children had taken, and reached an overwhelming conclusion. The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned. The “Do You Know?” scale turned out to be the best single predictor of children’s emotional health and happiness.”

Later that year, they went on to test this in the aftermath of the 9/11 with a variety of families, and the theory continued to hold true.

 

I certainly didn't expect this conclusion, but on some levels, it makes great sense.

How youth understand themselves can be seen, in part, through the narrative of their families – that great-granny lost her leg as a teenager but managed to live a full and successful life; that grandad left his home to find a better life but had to toil for 50 years in tough labouring jobs that had nothing to do with his higher education; that aunt Molly still struggles with addiction like her father; that mom is one of the most famous business leaders in the country; that great uncle cousin Ernie received an Order of Canada for his work with the disabled; that my younger sister managed to overcome breast cancer.

There are three kinds of family narratives:

-         The ascending one – where we “came from nothing” and managed to overcome hardship to achieve great success

-         The descending one – where we had it all but ran into great tragedy and lost it

-         The oscillating one – where family lore includes many peaks and valleys and there are stories of both great achievement and great loss intertwined over the generations

Not surprisingly, they find that young people are best served by the oscillating narrative where they see examples of the good and bad that life brings, but also understand that they are part of something larger that perseveres and is resilient over a long period of time. That creates what Duke and Fivush refer to a strong sense of “intergenerational self.”

I find this research to be very interesting and it poses a number of questions to us as a community, as a school, and as parents. I will delve into some of these in my next post.