Pats & Pushes

Recently, I had the pleasure to talk with the parents of an Appleby alumnus about his experience here. In his first year, he was having a difficult time adjusting to the school. Although a talented student and athlete, his attitude caused issues with his peers and he had an unacceptable incident of publically disrespecting a teacher. His actions could and perhaps should have spelled the end of his tenure at Appleby. To his credit and that of his parents, who encouraged him to face his failure and take responsibility, the student stepped up to his actions and tried to make it right. Of course, the damage was done. The big question the faculty member (and the school) faced was the extent of the discipline. Was it a “third rail” offense or something less but still significant?

The student ended up having to face painful consequences, but they were less than what they could have been. There was lots of context to the situation that I won’t go into, but the part of the story that made my nerves tingle was when his parents said that the teacher in question eventually went up to the boy shook his hand, re-introduced himself, and said, “Let’s start this again.”

It reminded me of a conversation with another fellow who was reflecting on his most influential teachers from 35 years before. He told me about an English teacher who refused to give him a final mark until, after his final exams had been written and his Grade 13 year was completed, the student re-wrote his major paper. His previous version was adequate, but the teacher felt that he could do much better. While this boy was trying to pack up and prepare to head home to Hong Kong, he was being penalized for the infraction of not putting in enough effort in a course. (Not an unknown sin to me!) He worked hard on the re-write and ended up with a first class mark. For the 35 years since that incident, that graduate has felt indebted to the teacher and credits him with both establishing strong communication skills, as well as developing a drive to aim higher.   

In both cases, the alumni look back on these occasions as life-changing in positive ways. But the differences are significant. In the first case, the faculty member gave (figuratively speaking) a pat on the back – a partial second chance. In the latter, the teacher gave a figurative push – requiring him to do more than his peers. I think both are examples of great teaching and coaching. As educators, we are often under immense pressure to give the “pat” when the “push” is the right decision, and would have better long term impact on the student. The decisions of when to pat and when to push are often the most difficult and most impactful that we make.

One of the most significant challenges that educators and parents face today is, in the words of Dr. Alex Russell, how to allow students to address and respond courageously to non-catastrophic failures, including facing what are sometimes very difficult consequences. Because if they can’t do it when they are 16, they will not be able to at age 26, or 41 or 56, when the stakes are higher and sometimes catastrophic.

I would love to hear stories from Appleby alumni and their parents about the “pats” and the “pushes” you had here, because they say much about our heritage and about growing-up.