Gavotting, Manners and Narcissus

Today I was flying to Texas for a symposium as well as a task force meeting of a group of North American heads and administrators looking at more aggressively marketing boarding programs. During the first leg of the journey, an early morning flight from Toronto to Houston, I was stuck thinking about Carly Simon and her most famous song You’re So Vain (and lyrics.)There remains a great deal of speculation about the subject of the song and Simon remains coy – was it Warren Beatty, David Geffen, a hybrid of three? Perhaps appropriately, Beatty is reported to have said “Of course it’s about me.”

I shouldn’t have been surprised that the flight was jam-packed, the seats seemed smaller than I am used to (or maybe that’s more a question of perspective), and the plane’s video entertainment system was out of action. None of that was too bothersome compared to the young woman who sat down next to me right before takeoff. She was one of a group of about five who were all seated in middle seats spread over about six rows. I would guess that they are in their mid-20s, and they were en route to Cancun. As soon as she sat down, she started talking loudly (arguably yelling) to her compatriots in the other rows, filming them on her iPhone as well as the two dozen other passengers in the vicinity. She kept reaching across the elderly man sitting in the aisle seat next to her, almost knocking him, without a word of excuse me or apology or even recognition of what happened. In short, she was oblivious to everyone around her and her friends. She never once looked at me over the 4 hours sitting next to each other. Even when I asked to go by her for the washroom, she didn’t move but swung her feet onto the seat of the man on the other side.

She was wearing a fedora-like hat (you guessed it – strategically dipped below one eye), but no apricot scarf.

The kicker was a period of at least five minutes at the start of the flight when she was taking photos and videos of herself … over and over. Throughout the five minutes, she was adjusting her hat, her cleavage, her facial expression, and hand gestures while the elderly man on the other side of her and I looked on incredulously as she clicked away. I get a selfie or two as you head off on a fun vacation with friends, but five full minutes of focused posing while sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with strangers?

Now don’t get me wrong, I fully appreciate, and may even have direct personal experience with the exuberance of heading down south for a week of fun with buddies. But having a good time and having respect for others need not be mutually exclusive. And I don’t subscribe to the absolutism of the shared mottos of Winchester College and New College, Oxford – “Manners Makyth Man” (manners make the man.) However, they can sure provide some strong hints.

Manners in the narrowest definition relate to conventions of behaviour – protocols, ways of acting, and traditions. And they can look very different from culture to culture. Undoubtedly, your ability to operate within these conventions can be a helpful way of fitting in, connecting in a credible way with others, and presenting yourself as polite, professional and refined. There are many absolutely wonderful, talented people whose challenges with manners have led others to misread and underestimate them. But in this case, I think the issue wasn’t knowledge of appropriate protocols, but rather a shocking lack of awareness of those around her – let alone empathy – and in its place an unhealthy fixation on herself and how attractive she could make herself. I hope she doesn’t spend too much time looking at herself in pools of water.

Now perhaps I am being a grumpy old man and would fit in a bit too easily in the theatre balcony with those two Muppets? Maybe I need to lighten up?

But when I think of what we hope for in Appleby students and graduates, among the most important attributes are awareness of self and those around you, and respect for the same. Those core character traits – empathy and respect – are essential for strong citizenship and leadership.

For better or worse, there is a higher bar for students from schools like Appleby. In speaking with my colleagues from other G20 schools, it is clear that one our shared worries is ensuring that our students manage to strike the right balance between humility and confidence. Those young people from successful families and those young people who are highly talented can be at greater risk for getting the balance wrong - being too focused on self rather than others. This is the greatest fear of many parents. And sadly, there is an unfair perception held by many in the broader community that independent school grads can be too self-centred. That is not what I see, but it does magnify the need for us to focus on empathy and respect.

In most families, we can be least respectful to those with whom we are closest, and we are at our most impolite at home. The same thing applies to schools. Despite that, I am generally very impressed with our students and how they interact with each other. Consistently, our younger and new students tell me how well they are treated by then older and longer-tenured students. Moreover, each term I receive a impressive number of compliments from representatives of community organizations and colleagues at other schools about how well our students represent themselves and the school. While that may relate to them knowing when to say thank you or hold a door open or the difference between the salad fork and the entrée fork, I think it is more a reflection of empathy and respect for others. And that – that is what makes me immensely proud.

In the draft of our next strategic plan, we are placing an even greater focus on the development of self-awareness and being a respectful teammate. Fifty years from now, those will be at least as important as they are today, so we are “doubling down” our own commitment.

And if we do our job, no one will say about an Appleby grad, “You had one eye on the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte.”