Resiliency … we are
using that word more and more. In part, it is because our collective ability to
deal with disappointment, adversity, and failure seems to be inversely
proportional to our access to opportunities, our increasing standard of living,
the common expectations in successful families that their children will usually
“win”, and the consequences of the well-intended parental hope that their
children will not have to face emotional/esteem catastrophes.
My good friend Suzanne Heft is a big fan of marketing
guru Seth Godin and sent along one of his recent posts about resiliency. Seth talks about resilience and the most
common strategies for how people (and groups) try to manifest resilience “in
ascending order from brave to stupid:”
·
Don't need it
·
Invest in a
network
·
Create backups
·
Build a moat
The more I see of
young people and the more I hear from wise souls, the clearer is my view that
resilience and challenging experiences are synergistic, and can both contribute
greatly to a longer-term, optimistic outlook on life. So, understanding that we
get better at jumping over hurdles the more we have already vaulted (or run
through), the biggest challenge in schools is helping kids deal with issues for
the first time – the first major academic failure, being dumped by your first
true love, the first time you really disappoint those whom you love, the first
time you feel isolated from your closest friends, or the first you have to deal
with the death of someone you love.
While I am certainly
not an expert in mental health and wellness, I have had the opportunity to get
to know and/or work with a wide range of people who are. There are lots of views on strategies and
effective practices, and, like most complex issues, there is a combination of
right answers. The proper balance depends on each person. Like most health matters,
finding that right combination to a complex enigma is as much dependent on the
person as on the condition.
Here are some of the things that we – as schools, teachers, parents, and
friends – should be considering when dealing with both medical issues like
anxiety, depression, as well as non-medical hurdles like intense stress and
failure:
·
Sense of community: There is lots of research showing that mental
health issues are both fewer and less intense in areas where there is a greater
sense of community and attachment. There is some interesting research that relates
to the role of the internet and “virtual communities” – some which may seem
counter-intuitive to those of who are not as technologically native as students
today. The implications of “community” are clear for schools. Does each student
feel some sense of connection? Does he/she have some friends? Is there at least
one adult at the school with whom s/he can speak when feeling under duress?
Does the school feel like a home? If the answer to any of these questions is
no, we have to figure out how to do it better.
My read of Appleby is that school
culture here is already very strong. I’ve had lunch with about 500 students in
small groups over the year and in most cases, I’ve been able to ask them about
school culture. While there are some opportunities to improve things, I was
very happy to hear their reflections on what seems like a very positive and
warm environment.
·
Understanding
that “you are not alone”: One of the
terrible factors in the past has been that people struggling with these kinds
of conditions weren’t aware of anyone else in the same boat. The ability for
someone who is depressed to talk with others who are, or who have, faced the
same can make a huge difference. The same principles applies to children
dealing with divorce, or a death in the family, or trying to come to grips with
things like sexual orientation or religious beliefs. There is great benefit to
knowing that others have struggled with the same issues and been able to overcome
them. This kind of interaction, either one-on-one or through support groups,
allows for some of the despair to be relieved and replaced by hope. And I know,
from close friends who have dealt with depression, that hope is often the thing
they need the most, especially during the first few bouts. However
well-intended and empathetic a family member or friend is, they cannot take the
place of someone who has walked in the same shoes.
·
Self-awareness:
One of the great gifts that wise people have is self-awareness. Growing-up
should include increasing self-awareness. (Sadly, there are lots of adults
whose tanks are running alarmingly close to empty in this regard.) An important
role we play as schools and parents is the encouragement of self-awareness –
helping all of students understand how as individuals they think, how they
react, how they process, interpersonal skills, how others see them, those things they are good at, and, most
importantly, those things they aren’t so good at. It is only with understanding
of the last point that an individual can start to be truly comfortable in her
own skin, and be open to strategies that can help redress these
vulnerabilities. As schools talk about leadership, character education and
preparing for the life beyond high school, I wonder whether students have
enough self-awareness, and what else we should be doing to better develop it.
·
Ability to
ask for help: If self-awareness includes the ability and the willingness to
understand vulnerabilities, then it is also the most helpful foundation to be
able to ask for help. This is one of the most frustrating aspects of mental
health, and is particularly an issue with men, for whom vulnerability can be
seen as being anathema to masculinity. A common refrain of some families and
friends of those who committed suicide was that they had no idea things were so
bad. The sufferer never said that he was in this much difficulty. As a
community, part of our job is to ensure that the individual does not feel
alone. We have to find ways as adults to weave into our narratives the fact
that we have faced very difficult situations (see post on The Story of Family), and that we were able to cope by reaching out to others. Asking for help is a show of strength rather
than weakness.
·
Perspective
and Experience: It is a truth that for most things in life, reps count. The
more you do something, the better you get at it. While we often think in terms
of athletic prowess – putting or shooting hoops, or laps – and other things we
want/like to do, the same things apply to the most difficult events in life,
including dealing with emergencies or tragedies. The Nietzsche quote, made
popular again recently through songstress Kelly Clarkson, “That which does not
kill you, will make you stronger”, applies to dealing with death, with loss and
with failure. As adults, one of the most important roles we play for young
people is to serve as guides through these difficult journeys rather than
shields from them. People I am very close with who have struggled with anxiety
or depression have also told me that they found that dealing with tough times
often became a bit easier over time (although no less unpleasant) because they
knew that they would get through them and things would get better – they had
hope.
·
Diagnosis
and Treatment: Medical science has come a very long way in how it deals with
mental health. There are so many examples of how psychological and psychiatric
counseling and treatment allow people to deal with these conditions either in
terms of curing them, or allowing them to live in a fully functioning way. If
the afflicted and their families are able to come to grips with asking for
help, it is remarkable how freeing a proper diagnosis and effective treatment
can be. From the school perspective, we are increasingly finding that a proper
diagnosis is an essential prerequisite to our providing the proper supports for
a student.
·
Skills to cope:
Last week, I was talking with a colleague about whether students today have
sufficient skills to cope with highly stressful circumstances. It seems to me
that the line between bona fide mental illness and having difficulty dealing
with high pressure/high stress is hazy. Clearly, many young people have a
difficult time coping, and families are understandably concerned about
confusing a normal stress-related reaction with a major diagnosable condition.
There are lots of well-defined strategies for how to manage stress, and we have
many people at Appleby with lots of experience in this area. From a
programmatic standpoint, it seems increasingly important not to protect kids
from all stress, but instead give age-appropriate challenges AND the tools to
self-manage and navigate the through the shoals, even if the outcome isn’t
always perfect. While some people think these tools (often called “soft skills”
– tactics like chunking, organizational skills, relaxation, time management,
triage skills, problem solving methodologies, etc.) are secondary, I think they
can be among the most important arrows for people to have in their quivers to
be successful at university and in life.
This has been a heavy set of 3 posts, so my
next few will be more light-hearted and celebrate this wonderful time, when we
look back on the year, celebrate our achievements, and congratulate our
graduates.
Here are some other
resources dealing with mental health and wellness:
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