The Story of Family – What It Means for Children

Coincidence? Serendipity? Don’t tell me that my 11-year-old reads my blog!

As I was driving with my youngest son yesterday, he started asking me about our family history and the stories of his grandparents, great-grandparents and even great-great grandparents.

In my last post, I talked about a story that my wife forwarded to me about some research out of Emory University, which concluded that the best thing that parents can do for their children is have them be aware of their family story. The psychologists found that resilience in children correlates most strongly to awareness of family history, their ancestors and relatives. Moreover, narratives that painted an oscillating tradition – marked by examples of achievement and happiness as well as times of challenge and tragedy – were far more helpful than those histories that captured only one or the other.

When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. It is good for young people to feel that they belong to something much larger than themselves, and to understand that there will certainly be times of success and, just as surely, there will be those of failure. But that collective familial being of which they are a part will survive and flourish in its own way.

One can easily imagine that a narrative of sustaining losses could easily create in a young person a dour outlook, which could morph into hopelessness. However, the case that is far more prevalent in independent school families is the narrative: “Our family has always been one of high achievement and we win.” Even if this is not explicitly articulated, many children interpret this as their families’ tradition. It is a razor-sharp, double edged broadsword. In these cases, one often sees the dynamic where children are highly motivated to succeed (the good blade.) Some of these motivated offspring, as well as many of those who are not, also end up in zones marked by deep anxiety and depressions because they feel that they can never fulfill the legacy of their parents and this larger family being – the tragic blade.

I remember talking to a friend of mine a couple of years ago. We were discussing the dynamics between fathers and sons, and how many sons don’t ever hear their fathers reflect on their failures in life – in careers, relationships, and personally. So their sons are sometimes left with (I am happy to volunteer on behalf of my entire gender) what most certainly is the mistaken impression that their fathers do not fail … and neither should their sons. This is far more common than we might want to think.

This dynamic most assuredly crosses gender lines, as it relates to the relationships that children have to the parent(s) – as well as other relatives and role models – to whom they look up. It can relate as easily for mother to son, or step-father to daughter, or grandmother to daughter. It is remarkable how many times one hears parents, very much in a spirit of caring for their children, exhorting them to heights well-beyond anything the parents ever achieved – once again, this can both help and harm, depending on the child and how it is done.

So, what does this all mean? There are two actions I took away from the story.

The first is to find a way, as a parent , to talk about our own family’s ups and downs … as well as my own. While the messaging is nuanced, I know that these stories can create an important blend of heightened motivation, the comfort and stability of belonging to something that will always be with them, and an intriguing deeper sense of who they are.

And just as this sense of narrative is important in families, it is also beneficial for schools. Today’s Appleby students share “community DNA” with those who were here one generation ago, as well as those who were here 50 years ago, and even a century ago. While there are many differences in the circumstances and experiences, there are also many parallels. It helps the community overall, as well as Appleby students individually, to hear and understand the experiences of their ancestors. To understand that they face many similar challenges and, like those who have gone before, there will be wins and losses. Most importantly, they will make it through.

I appreciate the dozens of stories that alumni have shared with me about their recollections and the impacts. As we draft our new Advancement plan for Appleby, we have identified the importance of students understanding and feeling that they are part of a continuum. So, I am looking for the right forums to bring this alumni narrative to life for our students of today.

The Most Important Family Question ... and Answer

A couple of my children have recently developed a deep interest in our family history, which of course makes me proud. But I recently read a piece that has morphed that pride into sheer delight.

My wife is the source of a great deal of wisdom (and sometimes “guidance.”) I have come to recognize that she is much smarter than me in many or most (her father’s emphasis) areas. Last week, Alison sent me the link to an article that purports to answer the question: “What makes for the best family?” This almost ranks up there with “What is the meaning of life?” … it promises the holy grail of parenting.

As I have suggested in previous posts (see December’s The Turbo Season,) many of us have an over-developed expectation to see ourselves and our families as more perfect than can ever be the case. If we became more comfortable with our own quirky peccadillos and strange familial intra-dynamics, we would likely be much healthier and happier.

Notwithstanding that sentiment, the New York Times Op-Ed piece The Stories That Bind Us provides a compelling yet surprising answer to the central question that most parents ask themselves, and sometimes live in fear of the answer.  Well-known psychologist Adam Cox undertook a study of boys around the world who concluded that young men across all cultures deep down long to two things: to be a good son; and to find meaningful work in their lives. I would be fascinated to know how this differs, if at all, for young women. But what about parents? I suspect that the vast majority of mothers and fathers, on their deathbeds, would want to know more than anything else, “Was I a good parent?” and “Did I create/foster a good family?” When the final tally is being made for each of us, these must rank up in the very top echelon of what are the most important achievements or failures.

So, what does make for the strongest families? The author of the Op-Ed piece, Bruce Feiler, has written a book on the subject (The Secrets of Happy Families: How to Improve Your Morning, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smart, Go Out and Play, and Much More) and draws his conclusions from fascinating research by Emory University psychologists Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush. Their work was stimulated by an observation made by Duke’s wife Sara as she worked with children with learning disabilities: “The ones who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face challenges.”

To quote Feiler directly:

“Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush asked those questions of four dozen families in the summer of 2001, and taped several of their dinner table conversations. They then compared the children’s results to a battery of psychological tests the children had taken, and reached an overwhelming conclusion. The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned. The “Do You Know?” scale turned out to be the best single predictor of children’s emotional health and happiness.”

Later that year, they went on to test this in the aftermath of the 9/11 with a variety of families, and the theory continued to hold true.

 

I certainly didn't expect this conclusion, but on some levels, it makes great sense.

How youth understand themselves can be seen, in part, through the narrative of their families – that great-granny lost her leg as a teenager but managed to live a full and successful life; that grandad left his home to find a better life but had to toil for 50 years in tough labouring jobs that had nothing to do with his higher education; that aunt Molly still struggles with addiction like her father; that mom is one of the most famous business leaders in the country; that great uncle cousin Ernie received an Order of Canada for his work with the disabled; that my younger sister managed to overcome breast cancer.

There are three kinds of family narratives:

-         The ascending one – where we “came from nothing” and managed to overcome hardship to achieve great success

-         The descending one – where we had it all but ran into great tragedy and lost it

-         The oscillating one – where family lore includes many peaks and valleys and there are stories of both great achievement and great loss intertwined over the generations

Not surprisingly, they find that young people are best served by the oscillating narrative where they see examples of the good and bad that life brings, but also understand that they are part of something larger that perseveres and is resilient over a long period of time. That creates what Duke and Fivush refer to a strong sense of “intergenerational self.”

I find this research to be very interesting and it poses a number of questions to us as a community, as a school, and as parents. I will delve into some of these in my next post.

When is The Right Time?

As you may have seen in previous posts, I am a huge fan of many CBC radio shows. One of the best these days is Terry O’Reilly’s Under the Influence, as well as its predecessor The Age of Persuasion. In show’s website, O’Reilly states:

 “As the marketing world shifts from a century of overt one-way messaging to a new world order of two-way dialogue, we leave the age of persuasion and enter the era of influence.

The first 50 years of modern advertising was hard-sell. The next 50 years was persuasion through creativity and media tonnage. But advertising is no longer a loud one-way conversation. It's a delicate dialogue now. The goal is no longer to triumph by weight, but to win by influence.

Welcome to Under the Influence. An exploration of that critical shift."

I think his view of these paradigm shifts relate to more than just marketing. In some ways education is in the midst of similar changes.

I was listening to an episode a few weeks ago while ferrying my kids between Oakville and Toronto on Saturday and was quite captivated, to the point of rolling down my back window and turning up the volume so I could listen while filling up with gas.

The show was focused on the often forgotten fourth question of marketing. While defining what to say, how to say it, and to whom it should be said are commonly recognized as the key tenets of a successful marketing approach, O’Reilly suggested that  there is a fourth that can be just as powerful.  He went through a number of striking cases of the success of a marketing efforts being almost entirely based on their timing, either through deliberate planning or simple good luck.

Here are a few of the compelling examples he cited:

·         Those of you who fish will know Rapala lures. When I was a kid at camp on Georgian Bay, “the Rapala” was reputed to be one of the best lures (together with the “Red Devil”) to catch the really big Northern Pikes. Rapala was a modestly successful Finnish lure company until 1962, when there was an article in an August issue of Life Magazine on the Rapala Wobbler. Little could anyone have predicted, but Marilyn Monroe died just before the issue and it turned into a memorial to her. In modern parlance, the issue went viral and became the best-selling magazine of all time – and along with it soared Rapala. The two-person Rapala USA company received orders for 3 million lures over the subsequent few weeks, and its status in fishing was forever changed. This is why Rapala inducted Marilyn into its fishing hall of fame in 2008.

 

·       Target has developed an algorithm to identify which customers are pregnant. Apparently expectant mother change their buying habits in their second trimester of pregnancy as they have a tendency to load up on things such as unscented lotions, vitamin supplements, cotton ball and wash cloths. Target has had great success in using this predictor as the basis of focused marketing pitches. The only problem is the fallout when Target’s materials tip off family members who weren’t yet aware of the big news!

 

·       One of the US Navy’s most successful recruiting strategies was when they set-up booths at movie theatres aimed specifically at men leaving Top Gun full of inspiration to be the next Maverick or Iceman.

·       The thriller The China Syndrome, starring Jane Fonda, Jack Lemmon and Michael Douglas, dealt with a television crew’s chance discovery of a nuclear melt-down at the local power plant. 12 days later, North America’s worst nuclear disaster took place when there was a nuclear meltdown at the Three Mile Island reactor in Pennsylvania. The compounding impact of the sensational movie with the unlikely plot and the real-life accident caused a sea-change in the public attitudes towards nuclear energy. At the time of the accident 70 new nuclear facilities were being planned. Since that week, none have been built. 

·       O’Reilly opened my eyes to why many women really go to washroom in clubs. He featured a Dr. Scholls ad that is placed in many women’s washrooms in dance clubs. The ad asks the question about whether the women are really in there to take a break from their uncomfortable high heels? It goes on to promote the benefits of the super-comfortable Dr. Scholls fast flats shoe inserts. Once again, the campaign had huge impact.

O’Reilly’s point in all of these examples is when you say something has everything to do with whether your message will hit its mark. More specifically, understanding the mindset of the listener based on their experience at a given time can as important as what you say and how you say it. When the listener in the right mental zone and open to what you are trying to get across, then your chances of success are multiplied. Conversely, if the audience is mentally in a far-away place, there is no point delivering your message.

It all makes perfect sense, and it poses two questions to schools. The first is the institutional question: when is the best time to approach prospective students and their parents? When are these people most open to think about the possibility of independent school education and the Appleby experience? Once you understand the when, then the how becomes a bit clearer.

The second question is a pedagogical one but also applies to parenting. We have many important messages and themes we are trying to share with students. Sometimes it is frustrating because the arrow doesn’t seem to hit the mark. While we tend to plan out the “whens” according to the school timetable, the interesting question is when are our students’ minds most receptive to these messages? What are the times of the day or week or year or relationship with specific experiences that provide the most fertile “teachable moments”? And are they different for different kinds of messages?

World Transitions

This is a remarkable time in world history, and my colleague Rebecca Llewellyn and I are experiencing it from China, Korea and Japan.

A couple of days ago, we were arriving in Seoul at the same time the next “Great Leader” Kim Jong-Un was sabre-rattling about nuclear and conventional responses to South Korean and US military exercises. My eldest son Jack has a uncommon fixation on dictators (especially the North Korean  variety,) so was interested on the goings-on, while wife Alison was mildly concerned about press reports and the potential for trouble during our visit.  Of course, all was fine. What was of greatest interest (and I have seen the same thing during previous trips to Seoul) was the lack of interest of the South Korean people. Many Koreans lived through the Korean War and subsequent omnipresent tension (with associated fiery rhetoric) between North and South – which seems to go through regular cycles like an inter-nation bio-rhythm – barely registers on their psychic radar. In fact, our Korean parent hosts were far more concerned about any anxiety we may have had than by any prospect for real trouble. It tells you something about the stoic nature of a country that has lived through difficult times, about desensitization (or perhaps Westerners’ over-dramatization,) and most of all by how lucky we are to live in Canada – a point further amplified when seeing Japan still recovering from the earthquake/tsunami/nuclear problems of 2011.

While I haven’t read any pieces on the subject, I suspect that many have already written on the amazing fact that the Chinese President Xi Jinping and Pope Francis were elected within a day of each other. Between them, they lead almost 2.5 billion people, albeit their leadership takes place in very different domains. Likely, the Chinese government wasn’t delighted about the timing of the white smoke. This was indeed an historic period, and these are interesting times.

There are remarkable contrasts in these stories. One transition was painstakingly planned and prepared for after the decision was announced publically at least a half a year in advance, while the other was a suspense-filled surprise, which was the culmination of a shocking decision of his predecessor. One was infused by the pomp and ceremony of the highest profile, ancient Western church, while the other was played out in the ceremony of the in the modern, complex, Communist party structure that represents one of the world’s oldest and most sophisticated cultures.

There are also many similarities. In both cases, the decision on succession was made by a relatively small group of knowledgeable insiders who place a strong priority on the stability of the institutions. In both cases, the choices represent blends of non-traditional associations and histories, while also remaining closely associated with other traditional institutional values. Both Mr. Xi and Pope Francis are seen to be men “of their people” with deeper understandings of the plight of the common man than their predecessors. Finally, they both face imposing expectations about bringing significant reforms to their institutions – cleaning up a series of problems – while also staying true to their core principles. It will be very interesting seeing how each of these men handles these imposing circumstances.

Educators talk a lot about leadership and how we can infuse those skills in our students. I think that studying these two world figures – both how they came to be two of the most powerful people in the world, and what they do in the years ahead – will be fascinating case studies for those interesting in leadership.

If This Is Tuesday, It Must Be ...

I am always stimulated by my travels to Asia, and this March Break is no exception. With my colleague Rebecca Llewellyn, and at various times with colleagues Esther Kim ’05 and Katherine Fung-Surya, we are spending time in Beijing, Shanghai, Shenzhen, Hong Kong, Seoul and Tokyo. I write this post on the plane from Tokyo to Hong Kong – about to land in our fifth city in seven days!

I have been to Asia about two dozen times, and now feel very comfortable in many of the cultures and cities. Particularly at the Royal Garden Hotel in Tsim Tsa Tsui, Kowloon (with its enchanting view of Hong Kong Island,) and at spectacular Mission Hills Golf resort owned by my good friends Dr. Ken and Tenniel Chu, I have a great sense of being at home and connection.

In Asia I find that I am constantly learning new things and understanding new nuances about the issues, perspectives, and cultures. There is no doubt that my views of world dynamics, multiculturalism and educational priorities have been powerfully shaped by my time here and my interactions with some remarkable friends from this part of the world. Certainly this trip is no exception.  This is my first trip here on behalf of Appleby, so there is the new wrinkle of meeting many new people and receiving most generous, warm welcomes by Appleby parents and alumni.

On this trip, I am struck by three things in particular, relating to differences and similarities:

1.       Once again, it is striking how westerners mistakenly group Asian cultures together into one. In fact, while there may be some similarities, the differences between Hong Kong Chinese culture and Korean culture, or between Japanese culture and mainland Chinese culture are at least as wide as those between American culture and, for instance, Korean culture. As Canadians, we are particularly sensitive about differences between Canadian and US cultures, while my friends from Atlantic Canada and Quebec are also (very!) quick to point out that their cultures are very different than that of Toronto.

Westerners, in general, and North Americans, in particular, have a long way to go to better understand these Asian differences and their implications for our future. I take great comfort that our children’s generation, especially Appleby students, have a massive head-start over my own generation. And in the decades ahead, this understanding will undoubtedly be a hallmark of great leadership, regardless of field.

2.      The flip side of appreciating differences is seeing similarities. While in Shanghai, we had the opportunity to stop in briefly at Bi Le Middle School (a top Shanghai local school.) Students from Bi Le were hosting students from Appleby and Melbourne’s Ivanhoe Grammar School on an intercultural exchange. Shanghai was their first stop, before heading off to Sian and Beijing. It was great to see our Grade 9 students and colleagues Fraser Grant ’87 and Sheila Kuyper.

We watched a program where students from each school gave presentations on their countries and schools, then discussed what life is like in each country. While they spend lots of time focusing on differences, I was just as struck by how similar these 14 and 15-year olds were in terms of their humour, their concerns, their habits – including reaction to Canadian exports like” the Beebs.”  So many aspects of being a teenager transcend culture.

3.      On a similar note, while North American educators often talk about cultural differences in dealing with parents of students from various parts of the world, parents from different backgrounds share many more traits than not. Part of this trip has been meeting parents one-on-one and in small groups to talk about their children and about their Appleby experiences. Many of these conversations have been stereotype-busters. I have been delighted to hear universally positive reports from parents, knowing that many wonder about things like: How is my daughter fitting in? Is my son working hard enough? What about universities? Does my daughter clean her room? I want my son to experience some real challenge/failure to prepare for life. Most of these conversations could be easily transposed for those I have with Oakville families.

At the end of the day, I think that almost all parents want two things – for their children to be known and embraced by the school community for who they are, and for their children to be cared for in terms of program, culture and support. Once again, while the “hows” may look different, these core values transcend nationality and culture.

Musings on Character

Like most people these days, I get sent lots of links – some funny, some lame, some provocative, and many that are interesting.

I thought I would include a couple of received recently about the matter of character in education.

The first is written/audio piece from The Economist on resilience, intelligence, socio-economic factors, and parenting.

The second is a brief letter from Howard Gardner about measuring kids. (Gardner is Harvard professor well-known in education circles for, among other things, his work on multiple intelligences. He was one of the speakers in last year’s G20 meeting – as per my last post.)

Finally, here is a fun video clip I received this morning that presents a lovely vignette on the meaning of sportsmanship and compassion.

These are interesting parenting touchstones, but also food for thought when we start to look at future priorities for Appleby.

Of Indore, G20, and Learning

I am writing this en route from Indore, India back home to Oakville. I was in India for the annual meeting of the heads of “the G20” – a group of leading schools from around the world. This G20, which is actually made up of about 30 schools and whose name was apparently coined before the somewhat better-known governmental namesake, provides a stimulating opportunity for heads of schools to compare notes, questions, and their own challenges in an open and safe forum.

This year’s session was hosted by Mr. Sumer Singh, the Principal of The Daly College. Mr. Singh, an Indian Aldus Dumbledore-like character from an old princely family, has been a good friend of Appleby, and Daly has been one of our close partners for many years through Round Square. Daly is a highly regarded, beautiful and iconic force in Indian education, in large part because Mr. Singh is such a wise and charming soul.

Sumer arranged a whirlwind week-long program that introduced us to aspects of India past and present, architecturally, culturally, educationally, and economically. I arrived fully expecting an experience that would be very different from what I have seen elsewhere, but I didn’t anticipate the extent of the gulf. My head is still spinning from the societal complexities, the rich history, the pervasive energy, and the striking poverty. As someone told us, "For any truth about India, the opposite also applies." In addition to seeing many of the great historic sites of India, and spending time with some of the most prominent members of Indian society, we were treated to a series of superb speakers from maharajas to senior civil servants, to cabinet ministers, to educators.

One of the best speakers was the 81-year-old member of Parliament, former cabinet minister, Ambassador and Governor, and the titular Maharaja of Jammu and Kashmir, His Highness Dr. Karan Singh. On our first night, Dr. Singh spoke eloquently, without a note, about what he sees as the key questions we have to face in education. Harkening back to service on the UNESCO International Commission on Education for the 21^st Century, he discussed the challenges in balancing the four kinds of knowing (or learning):

·         Learning to know – Knowledge is the traditional wheelhouse of educational institutions. The major shift in recent decades is the understanding that learning to know is now a lifelong pursuit and the necessary route to wisdom.

·         Learning to do – Vocationally focused education is the driver to economic well-being of both individuals and communities. Creativity and critical thinking are becoming increasingly intertwined in what we see as preparation for many successful career pursuits.

 

·         Learning to live together – There are two views of humans and their differences. The first, the pessimistic version, is that humans possess a genetic defect that will lead us to self-destruct. The opposite is that we can all live together harmoniously. The key is in understanding each other’s values. So, learning to live together is values-based, and education must be focused on enhancing understanding of differences, be they between individuals or between communities.

 

·         Learning to be – Developing a sense of purpose, a moral code and an understanding of the treasure within is about looking inside ourselves. While it is the most difficult form of learning, the degree of challenge mirrors its potential for personal fulfillment.

The balance and tension between these four modes of learning is the central question for education policy for countries as it is for each school. Dr. Singh talked about the need for India to address its massive demographic hurdle (it is one of the youngest populations and one sixth of the population of the world) by having the right blend of the four, especially about the need to excel at learning to do.

This theme – about understanding the right blend of the four – was very much at the core of the conversations that took place at the G20, and it is certainly the question that we should continue to ask ourselves at Appleby.